By Abbi Crutchfield
There are a few things that indicate you are particularly well off in the Slope: an entire brownstone all to yourself, a new SUV each winter, and a dog. That’s right, a dog. You may be thinking, “My dog is not a status symbol…he’s a part of the family.” But I saw your precious puppy swaddled in a trench coat. I understand the need for keeping warm in the winter, but buttons and pockets? Is your dog that picky? I did not know if I should pet him or take a bite out of crime. Besides, can you name any other family members you would rub on the belly? Expenses do not end with the wardrobe. The four-legged tornados cannot help but tear up your stuff, and what do you do? Move to calmer climates? No! You get more stuff. I eat from the same instant oats canister each morning. I can’t afford bacon, let alone bacon-shaped treats.
Okay, I’ll admit it. I have pooch envy. I long for paw-dicures and Bark Avenue shopping sprees and someone who will laugh at my jokes. Look at how good they have it! All of their needs are met, they get trips to the salon, and someone else pays their medical bills. It’s enough to make me wish “The Shaggy Dog” had a plausible plot line. Sadly, I will have to wait years for someone to uncover such an ancient spell that can convert humans to canines, whereby I could have regular meals, plenty of exercise, and not have to hold down a job. Then again, there’s always room at the State Penitentiary.
A comedy virtuoso, Abbi Crutchfield keeps her plate full in New York city with writing, performing stand-up, improvisational comedy, creating sketches, starring and directing in short films and producing a live comedy hour show in Park Slope called The Living Room. She is also a regular contributor to Hip Slope Mama. For a daily laugh, read her Curly Comedy blog.
