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Friday, July 25, 2008

Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child

Strong willed children can be a challenge, when they’re young, but if sensitively parented, they become terrific teens and young adults. Self-motivated and inner-directed, they go after what they want and are fairly impervious to peer pressure.

What exactly is a strong-willed child? Some parents call them “stubborn,” but we could also see them as people of integrity who aren’t easily swayed from their own viewpoints. Often, these kids are prone to power-struggles, but research shows that parents can provoke power struggles by being over-controlling, or avoid them with sensitive parenting, so that might indicate that strong-willed kids are just easily provoked by having authority imposed on them.

In any case, I think we can agree that strong-willed kids are spunky, confident, and engaged. How do we protect those fabulous qualities and encourage their cooperation?

1. Avoid power struggles by using routines and rules. That way, you aren't bossing them around, it’s just that “The rule is we use the potty after every meal and snack,” or “The schedule is that lights-out is at 8pm. If you hurry, we’ll have time for two books,” or "In our house, we finish homework before computer, TV, or telephone time." The parent stops being the bad guy.

2. Your strong-willed child wants mastery more than anything. Let her take charge of as many of her own activities as possible. Don’t nag at her to brush her teeth, ask “What else do you need to do before we leave?” If she looks blank, tick off the short list: “Every morning we eat, brush teeth, use the toilet, and pack the backpack. I saw you pack your backpack, great job! Now, what do you still need to do before we leave?” Kids who feel more independent and in charge of themselves will have less need to rebel and be oppositional. Not to mention they take responsibility for themselves early and become more competent.

3. Give your strong-willed child choices. If you give orders, he will almost certainly bristle. If you offer a choice, he feels like the master of his own destiny. Of course, only offer choices you can live with and don’t let yourself get resentful by handing away your power. If going to the store is non-negotiable and he wants to keep playing, an appropriate choice is: “Do you want to leave now or in ten minutes?”

4. Give her authority over her own body. “I hear that you don’t want to wear your jacket today. I think it is cold and I am definitely wearing a jacket. Of course, you are in charge of your own body, as long as you stay safe and healthy, so you get to decide whether to wear a jacket. But I’m afraid that you will be cold once we are outside, and I won’t want to come back to the house. How about I put your jacket in the backpack, and then we’ll have it if you change your mind?” She’s not going to get pneumonia, unless you push her into it by acting like you’ve won if she asks for the jacket. And once she won’t lose face by wearing her jacket, she’ll be begging for it once she gets cold. It’s just hard for her to imagine feeling cold when she’s so warm right now in the house, and a jacket seems like such a hassle.

5. Don't push him into opposing you. If you take a hard and fast position, you can easily push your child into defying you, just to prove a point. You'll know when it's a power struggle and you're invested in winning. Just stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that winning a battle with your child always sets you up to lose what’s most important: the relationship. When in doubt say "Ok, you can decide this for yourself." If he can't, then say what part of it he can decide, or find another way for him to meet his need for autonomy without compromising his health or safety.

6. Side step power struggles by letting your child save face. You don’t have to prove you’re right. You can, and should, set reasonable expectations and enforce them. But under no circumstances should you try to break your child’s will or force him to acquiesce to your views. Just recently I heard from a mother how she herself refused to take a nap at age four. It wasn't enough that she finally was forced to get into her bed, her father spanked her until she said she wanted to nap. This was a defining moment of this woman's life, and she spent the rest of her childhood alternating between rebelling against her parents and considering suicide.

7. Listen to her. You, as the adult, might reasonably presume you know best. But your strong-willed child has a strong will partly as a result of her integrity. She has a viewpoint that is making her hold fast to her position, and she is trying to protect something that seems important to her. Only by listening calmly to her and reflecting her words will you come to understand what’s making her oppose you. A non-judgmental “I hear that you don’t want to take a bath. Can you tell me more about why?” might just elicit the information that she’s afraid she’ll go down the drain, like Alice in the song. It may not seem like a good reason to you, but she has a reason. And you won’t find it out if you get into a clash and order her into the tub.

8. See it from his point of view. For instance, he may be angry because you promised to wash his superman cape and then forgot. To you, he is being stubborn. To him, he is justifiably upset, and you are being hypocritical, because he is not allowed to break his promises to you. How do you clear this up and move on? You apologize profusely for breaking your promise, you reassure him that you try very hard to keep your promises, and you go, together, to wash the cape. You might even teach him how to wash his own clothes! Just consider how would you want to be treated, and treat him accordingly.

9. Discipline through the relationship, never through punishment. Kids don’t learn when they’re in the middle of a fight. Like all of us, that’s when adrenaline is pumping and learning shuts off. Kids behave because they want to please us. The more you fight with and punish your child, the more you undermine her desire to please you.

10. Offer him respect and empathy. Most strong-willed children are fighting for respect. If you offer it to them, they don’t need to fight to protect their position. And, like the rest of us, it helps a lot if they feel understood. If you see his point of view and think he's wrong -- for instance, he wants to wear the superman cape to synagogue and you think that's inappropriate -- you can still offer him empathy and meet him part way while you set the limit. "You love this cape and wish you could wear it, don't you? But when we go to Temple we dress up, and we can't wear the cape. I know you'll miss wearing it. How about we take it with us so you can wear it on our way home?"

Laura Markham, Ph.D., is the Dear Abby of Parenting for the 21st century. A clinical psychologist trained at Columbia University in NewYork, she is the founding editor of the popular parenting website YourParentingSolutions.com.

The Good Dr. Laura is also a highly sought-after speaker and workshop leader who assists parents in transforming their relationships with their children (from babies to teens). In addition to Hip Slope Mama, she serves as Parenting Expert for ParentingBookmark.com, Storknet.com, Wellness.com and Pregnancy.org, on which she hosts a regular online chat for moms. Her work appears regularly on a dozen parenting websites and in print.
She lives in Park Slope, Brooklyn with her husband, 12 year old daughter, and 16 year old son. If you have any parenting questions for the Good Dr. Laura please send them to HipSlopeMama@gmail.com.