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Friday, July 4, 2008

Things I Would Not Have Done Before I Was a Mother

Hip Slope Mama asked Amy Sohn, a well-known bestselling author, Park Slope mom, and former contributing editor at New York Magazine (where she wrote about sex, relationships and parenting) to share her thoughts on being a new mom. I think so many of us can relate to this:

Things I would not have done before I was a mother:

  • Grabbed a book of matchbooks from a toddler and shoved it into my bra to get it out of the way, only to find it there three hours later while getting undressed to take a shower.
  • Lost the plug and cord to the cell phone.
  • Found the plug and cord to the cell phone, but lost them again after one day.
  • Counted the fat per gram of Pirate's Booty.
  • Known what Pirate's Booty was.
  • Left dry laundry in the dryer for three weeks.
  • Left wet laundry in the washer for a month when I went away on vacation, only to find it mildewed beyond repair.
  • Considered two glasses of wine a night a "moderate" amount.
  • Tried Zoloft.
  • Wanted to go to the movie theater further away, in Cobble Hill, just so I could stay out of the apartment a little bit longer.
  • Deliberately scheduled a work commitment at six PM on a Friday night so I could make social plans afterward, call my husband and say, "Turns out some friends of mine are going out, so I'm not going to be home till late."
  • Bought cable television for a nanny to keep her loyal.
  • Been able to sleep on a hardwood floor, through the night, hand holding a small child's.
  • Spent ten minutes weighing the benefits of Pooh over Little Bear as the better branding motivator to get a child to like the taste of children's toothpaste.
  • Cut a hole in a diaper to get someone to pee "in" her potty.
  • Peed in a potty rather than go to the bathroom and run the risk of waking a nearby baby with the noise of the door opening.
  • Breastfed in a car.
  • Breastfed on a subway.
  • Scheduled sex.
  • During naptime.
  • Because there was no way I'd have the energy to do it at night.
  • Dragged myself out of bed at four in the morning to drain my breasts into two plastic bottles, and then labeled, dated, and frozen the results.
  • Gone a year without buying new bras.
  • Gone a year without buying new underwear.
  • Gone a year without shopping.
  • Gone three years without wearing earrings.
  • Gone six months without a pedi.
  • Regularly uttered the phrase "Tot Shabbat."
  • Considered two Brazilians a year seriously high-maintenance.
  • Lost my patience with someone who was throwing her fifth tantrum of the day, tried to figure out what to do about it, and then run around the room, scratching my sides, and screaming, "Bok bok bok! I'm a crazy chicken!" until the tantrum ended.
  • Taken a red-eye so I could get home at the crack of dawn (on no sleep).
  • Woken up at four in the morning for no reason at all, convinced I heard crying, and been unable to go back to sleep.
  • Understood the phrase "Muffin Top."
  • Crawled inch by inch on a floor, on top of a Barefoot Dreams blanket, holding my breath and avoiding all floorboards, all to avoid waking someone up.
  • Waking the person up and having to start all over again.
  • Deliberately taken twenty minutes to go two blocks to the video store just so I could have some time to myself.
  • Been open to couples therapy.
  • Uttered the phrase, "You have a choice" fifty times a day.
  • Looked at the face of a newborn and been able to correctly guess whether the mother had a C-section.
  • Known what Lorazepam was.
  • Sat at a posh, scene-y West Village restaurant bar alone, drinking a glass of wine for half an hour, talking to no one, and thought, Boy am I a lucky woman.
  • Believed a friend when he said he was using a guidance counselor to help his son get into preschool.
  • Opened a Home Equity Line of Credit.
  • Believed I was the sanest woman I knew.

Amy Sohn is a Park Slope mom, journalist, screenwriter and the author of the novels My Old Man and Run Catch Kiss. Amy wrote the bestselling companion guide to television’s “Sex and the City,” Sex and the City: Kiss and Tell (Pocket Books), which made her a New York Times bestselling author.

For three years, she wrote the autobiographical dating diary/column, “Female Trouble,” in New York Press. She also co-created, wrote and starred in the Oxygen television series, “Avenue Amy”
based on her entertaining, insightful and sometimes controversial column.

After six years as a contributing editor at New York Magazine, Amy is now at work on her third novel for Simon & Schuster, to be published in July 2009.