Fighting with a woman over a small toy at Urban Outfitters is not my idea of a happy holiday—especially when that toy is a dog that shags your laptop when you plug his crotch into a USB port. But stick to a $20 minimum I must, and I already had a freezer-ready mold for shot glasses made of ice. I was under pressure to succeed at an unconventional White Elephant party that my friend affectionately calls “White Diana”, named after his legendary ex-girlfriend. I recently e-mailed him that if there is a price minimum then we are not having a White Elephant party, but a Yankee Swap (more on the difference here: Santalady.com). A Yankee Swap is also called Dirty Santa, and therefore we just as easily could call the party “Dirty Diana”. He has yet to reply, but I anticipate a pat on the back for this discovery…and a lawsuit from Michael Jackson.
Meanwhile, back in the land of colorful scarves, I was justifying why I needed the last humping Husky, urging my adversary to opt for a promiscuous Poodle. “That’s not a poodle, it’s a nothing. It’s orange. There’s no such thing as an orange dog,” she protested.
--Who cares? Why do you need the Husky?” I rebutted.
“Why do YOU need the Husky?”--Because I am going to a party where every gift is scrutinized for its amount of hilarity in proportion to its potential for debauchery. This could make or break my reputation among my funniest friends! Christmas is a time of giving, YOU MONSTER!!” This exchange only happened in my mind. In a fit of impatience I grabbed a nearby bicycle bell, went straight to the party and my contribution was instantly ignored. I came home with a dog dish full of expired contraceptives. God bless us, everyone.
A comedy virtuoso, Abbi Crutchfield keeps her plate full in New York city with writing, performing stand-up, improvisational comedy, creating sketches, starring and directing in short films and producing a live comedy hour show in Park Slope called The Living Room. She is also a regular contributor to Hip Slope Mama. For a daily laugh, read her Curly Comedy blog.