By David Serchuk
I didn’t expect this. The male stereotype is that guys don’t want to commit, the baby is the woman’s idea, and that guys go along to get along, and … a lot of that’s bullshit.
For example, one day not long after Stella’s birth a male co-worker, let’s call him Frank, started to chit-chat with me about fatherhood. I thought we were just passing the time until I noticed how intently he listened to every word I said.
Frank then told me how so sorry he was that he’d just broken up with his girlfriend, specifically because he wants kids so much. I had never heard a young, single man speak that way before. Frank then added that, despite his paternal drive, he’s also quite scared to be a father.
This I had heard before. In fact, I’d lived it. I had also been afraid, make that terrified, of being a dad. Here’s why.
You see, I know at least a few emotionally cut-off dads. These are dads who’d removed themselves from their children’s lives; dads who somehow never grew up, despite qualifying for the free birthday meal at Denny’s.
The thought of turning out that way, a narcissistic man-child, terrified me, I told Frank. But the birth of my daughter quickly destroyed these old fears, even as new ones sprouted in their place.
“The truth,” I told Frank, “is that I care too much. It’s like this, this python wrapped around my neck at all times, this love. Sometimes I can’t stand it, it’s too much. But I love it, this snake, and I squeeze it back even as it squeezes me. And sometimes I fear that it’s crushing me, but I can’t, I won’t ever let go. So we’re squeezing each other, and we will, until the day I die.”
I paused. I knew I’d gone to a fairly odd place conversationally, especially for work.
“Does that make any sense?”
Frank nodded.
“Shit, you make me want to be a father so bad,” he said. “I’d never heard it explained that way, but now I want it so much.”
“That sounds pretty weird, I know,” I said. “I mean, it’s better than that, but it hurts, too. Because of how strong your love is. It hurts you, but in a good way.”
All too soon our little break came to an end. Frank had to go back to statistics, and I had stories to edit. But before he left Frank made me promise to link him to our online photo album for Stella. Surprised and touched, I said I would.
David Serchuk is an editor at Forbes.com and lives in Park Slope Brooklyn with his wife Randi and daughter Stella. He also blogs at www.brooklynbabydaddy.blogspot.com.
